Most conflicts arise when parents expect children to think and behave like adults. How old is your child? If she’s two and you expect her to not drop your crystal vase, then there’s something wrong with you not her. You need to know what behavior is usual for a child at each stage of development in order to recognize true misbehavior. Tolerate things that go along with a child's age and stage (for example, most two-year-olds can't sit still very long in a restaurant), but correct behavior that is dangerous to the child (‘You will not climb on the table’). Once you know these norms you will be able to discipline your little one better.
Belongingness (do they feel it?)
The best disciplining comes from a parent who offers the sense of belongingness to their children. No one obeys strangers but everyone tries to listen to their loved ones. At the outset the child needs to know that his parents, no matter what, love him. His behavior may be disliked but the child is always wanted and adored. If your children know that, they will succumb easier to regulation requests.
Connecting (with your child)
Discipline is based on a healthy relationship between the parent and child. Build and strengthen this connection between you and your child, laying the foundation for discipline. Connected parents become their own experts on their own child, so they know what behavior is appropriate to expect and how to convey these expectations. Such parents may just raise their eyeballs and their kids get the cue that they must behave!
Discerning (knowing your child)
It’s important for you to study your child. Know your child's needs and capabilities at various ages. All disciplining technique will be different at each stage because your child's needs keep changing. A temper tantrum in a two-year-old calls for a different response from what it does in an eight year-old. Sometimes children are cranky when they are hungry. All they need then is food; the behavior training doesn't work at that moment. Maybe your child is uncomfortable at school the first few days so she tantrums. She needs security then instead of an explanation. You need to know that.
Eyes (of your child)
Children don't think like you. You need to step into their shoes to know how they think and feel. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you judge behavior from an adult viewpoint. A two-year-old who runs out into the street isn't being defiant; he just wants his ball back. Their actions are guided by impulse and instinct, with no thought in between. A five-year-old likes her friend's toy so much that she "borrows" it (she didn't mean to steal it even though she did!). As an adult you stop and weigh the necessity, safety, and morality of an act, but a young child doesn't (she just cannot). You need to know this and respond to your child accordingly.
Feelings (respecting them)
A parent needs to be both warm and wise. If you know how your child feels (more so if she knows that you know this), she will trust you to set her limits. A lot of security comes from children knowing that you understand them. Because you fathom what they feel, you guide them wisely and know they will follow. Often being in ‘charge’ is misconstrued as being in ‘control’. Instead of controlling children, you must control the situation to make it easier for them to control themselves. Children will connect with you with genuine trust and respect rather than obeying you out of fear and rebellion. Your children must respect you forever; not fear you now only to resent you later. That’s not what you want.
Guidelines (to be set for them)
Establish rules, but at the same time create such conditions that make the rules easier to follow. Children need boundaries. They won't blossom without limits; neither will you. You must set wise limits and provide structure, which means creating an atmosphere that makes these limits easier to respect. A ‘limit-setting’ part of disciplining a toddler is to say "no" to an investigating explorer headed for the crystal vase; the structure part is to childproof the house and keep that precious vase away till your child knows that she mustn’t touch it.
It’s not so bad
Parenting is more pleasure, more fun, more rewarding than it is a headache, pain and torture. If you go back to kindergarten and learn the ABCDEFG of discipline rightly, you will be a more efficacious parent and pass all the parenting tests your child puts you through with flying colors!
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